Phnom Penh

After being led to the back offices of Air Asia to check my emails - like a friendly Ryanair - it turned out that my visa hadn't processed yet and I couldn't go to Vietnam.

So I hopped on a flight to Phnom Penh in Cambodia. The flight was only 50 minutes - same as Manchester to Guernsey - and they managed to fit in a full hot meal and a complimentary glass of wine! I thought a cup of tea and the Guernsey Press was good on Aurigny, but this truly impressed me.

I arrived in Phnom Penh knowing nothing about the city, language, currency. After a crazy tuk tuk ride from the airport I found a bustling hostel on the busy riverfront. It seems to have about a hundred rooms and a bar/restaurant downstairs where everyone hangs out, so it's good for meeting people.

The traffic here is insane - it's like Bangkok on crack. People generally keep to the right hand side of the road, but this is by no means a rule and people have to swerve out of the way of oncoming traffic. There don't seem to be many traffic lights, so at big junctions you just have to rely on your driver to push his way through. So far so good.

Went to the killing fields today. As you can imagine it was an absolute hoot.

Travelling sensibly with psychotropic drugs

While I'm travelling I have to carry my epilepsy medication - Epilim Chrono and Clonazepam. The Thai authorities don't mind the Epilim, but Clonazepam is a benzodiazepine and as such is frowned upon by authorities over here. I have 2 months' worth of the stuff - always some in my day bag in case my big bag gets nicked. I'm pretty careful about them not getting lost or stolen as that would kind of ruin my time here.

So it was with some shock and horror that I realised half my pills that had been in my day bag were missing. I don't usually carry that much with me, but I had been travelling back from Pai and I always halve my stock between big bag and day bag.

Anyway, they weren't there. Where could I have left them?

I checked my big bag, turned my room over and they weren't there. Some flurried texts to Lizi back in Pai and she would go and check various possible places in the morning.

I spent the morning counting pills and working out how long I had to last me - about 20 days so not a tragedy, but still - a pain in the arse and probably a trip to an embassy to pick up the emergency supply waiting with my Mum.

Lizi called and apparently there was a box of pills at the bus station in Chiang Mai. They must have fallen out of my day bag on the winding ride from Pai.

Ace! I finished my omlette, negotiated with a friendly tuk tuk driver, Mr Montree, who would be my drugs runner for the morning.


After getting to the wrong bus station and renegotiating with Mr Montree I started wondering if
a) they actually were my pills and I was getting overexcited
b) any had been nicked.
 

Fascination

I listened to Alphabeat to lift my spirits.

My pills and Mr Montree's above his head.

It worked, because 15 minutes later I was back in possession of an untouched tupperware box full of lovely benzodiazepines. Mr Montree must have thought I just wanted a tour of the town's bus stations, but when I showed him my bounty he understood and showed me a big bag of pills in his tuk tuk that he had to take every day. A bonding moment which I thought might lead to him letting me off the fare. It didn't.

Mr Montree my drugs runner. He was a happy chap but didn't want to smile because he was embarrassed of his bad teeth.

Piranhas, night tubing & illness in Pai

Pai was the perfect place to get ill. Up in the mountains, full of (nice) hippies and loads of little cafes doing smoothies, super shakes, ginger tea, that kind of thing. Annie had a bit of a bad throat, perked up and then crashed (to be fair there were a few cocktails involved in this); Lizi developed some sort of recurring nausea and I felt really rough as though I was about to get man flu. We all soldiered on and, many ginger teas later, Pai had nursed us back to health.

Lizi and I went Piranha fishing at a nearby lodge. It was well cheap but as neither of us have a motorbike we had to get a taxi out there. Time for bartering with the driver...
The first rule of bartering: Start much lower than you expect to pay. (Duh, everyone knows this)
The second rule of bartering: If your first offer is accepted then you've paid too much.
I started too high and we paid too much.  

Not representative of actual piranha

Dave who ran the lodge looked at us in despair when we said that we'd never done any fishing before. He taught us how to cast off. I was crap. Lizi was very good. A bucket of bait and we found ourselves a quiet corner on one of the lakes where hundreds of piranhas would soon be trying to eat us alive.

I was picturing something out of James Bond. It was more like Countryfile. 

1 hour in

An hour or so later with little more than a nibble at the bait, I went to try a different corner of the lake and got chatting to a guy who was clearly a bit of a pro.
Me: "So you caught much?"
Him: "Not today, it's not hot enough for the fish"
I don't know how hot it has to be for fish, but it was bloody roasting.
Me: "Has anyone caught anything today?"
Him: "Yeah, a couple of people have caught a few small ones today."
Me: "So what are my chances of catching some piranha today?"
Him: "Well none in that lake cos it's just catfish in there."

Even with this massive kebab of bait I got nothing

Annoyed, I went and told Lizi the bad news. We stuck it out though, safe in the knowledge that the catfish were awake, even if the piranhas weren't.

An hour later our taxi turned up and we left empty handed.

Cocktails later with Annie and her yoga mates and we all ended up in a bar with a Thai band doing Nirvana, Green Day etc covers. Fun times but I was feeling tired and ill so got a bit stroppy on the way home.

Back to my hut for sleep and the next day I felt surprisingly good, while Annie crashed and spent the whole day in bed. Lizi was up for tubing on the river so we got our swimming shorts on and got going.

Tubing (n - gerund) A leisurely sport involving sitting in big rubber rings and floating down a river. 'If you're going tubing, make sure you get back before the sun goes down'.

Unfortunately, Lizi and I had not had time to check the dictionary definition of tubing before we got in the van and were driven up the river. We hadn't checked the time or thought about sunset. The sun set over the mountains as we were floating along a very rural stretch of the river Pai. Really beautiful, but it gets pretty chilly when your arse is in a river and there's no more sun around.

Floating helplessly past local women washing their hair in the river like something off the Timotei advert, I felt like a proper tourist dressed in my bright blue shorts, blue t-shirt, sunglasses and wicker man-from-del-monte hat. Smooth.

By the time we got back it was dark. We trudged back along the main street where hundreds of (nice) hippies were trying on knitted hats and toerings. We must have looked pretty cool, shivering, with our wet arses and big rubber rings.

Ginger tea - a true saviour

Tubing man: "You're back!"
Me: "Yes"
Tubing man: "It gets pretty cold at night you know."
Me: "Yes it does"


A well earned burrito for dinner, more ginger tea, and the next day I jumped on a bus back to Chiang Mai. Had to say goodbye to Lizi and Annie which was a real shame, but I'll catch up with them in a few weeks time.

I wish I'd been able to stay in Pai for longer, but I'm really excited about Vietnam tomorrow - Ho Chi Minh city here I come. Gran says there's a war on and I shouldn't go, but the Foreign & Commonwealth Office assures me it's fine.

Pai

 Not a lot to write about, but I have moved on to Pai for a few days.

Said goodbye to our friendly hostel owner Tim, took my last look over Chiang Mai and headed for the minibus to Pai.

Morning over Chiang Mai

Friendly Tim

The bus only took about 10 of us and they'd packed it full. I got a comfy seat by the window and was planning to just listen to music for the 4 hour drive.




A group of French people got on and one started complaining that his girlfriend was going to have to sit up front with the driver as there wasn't enough room. I offered to swap - made no difference to me. What I didn't realise was that I would be on the middle seat between a surly looking fella and the driver. This meant I had no headrest and had to jam my knees in to the left of the radio. I probably wouldn't have offered if I'd known.

Said hi to the grumpy guy next to me  - a Greek fella called Nikos - as soon as we found out we had similar names we hit it off. I didn't really want to chat, but that was okay because Nikos had a 2 hour monologue prepared about his last 5 months of travelling. I sat and listened and tried to stay awake.

It's nice hearing people's travelling stories and it's what everybody here's got in common I suppose, but it gets to be a bit of a drag after a while and I needed a break. After an hour or so I got out my MP3 as a not-so-subtle hint. I even told Nikos that I was going to listen to some music. He then started to tell me a story about when his MP3 player was stolen by a traveller in Mongolia. Musical journey denied.

The road to Pai was very winding and mountainous with stunning views and everyone had to brace themselves for the sharp bends. It was all too much for one girl who threw up and we had to pull over pretty sharpish so she could have a break. She then swapped with Nikos so that she could have her head out of the front window.

So I was now in between the driver and the sick girl. Was bracing myself for a very unpleasant last hour of the journey, but she started feeling better and it turned out she was a TEFL teacher from Perth, so we spent the time discussing mixed ability classes, classroom management techniques and which nationality is the best to teach. Boring for anyone else, but we had a great time.

Pai seems very chilled out. This is clearly where all the younger people have been hiding out all this time. Lots of trekking, piranha fishing and cycling to do. Lots of nice little bars and restaurants, jewellery and clothes shops, all surrounded by lush green mountains - it's a really beautiful place.

Indiana Jones bridge

But the BEST bit is my hut. Over the river on a rickety bridge (that makes me feel like Indiana Jones) is this little group of huts. About 5 quid for the night, so I think I'll stay a few days here as it's really cool. Depends how much I get bitten tonight.

My hut

Fast Car - Tracy Chapman

Dutty Dancin

Okay, so maybe one more day in Chiang Mai, or two, or three. It's great here.

Annie and Lizi are heading up to Pai tomorrow. Don't know how they've stuck it out in our hostel for the last few days as they're next door to this mental American woman who has the most hacking cough and just sits in her room coughing her guts up. She even had the nerve to come out into the corridor and tell US to keep the noise down at 2 IN THE AFTERNOON - we weren't even being loud. She has well and truly got my goat. My room is upstairs so not so bad, but i can still hear her.

Splashing about at the lake

A bit bleary eyed from two successive nights at local nightclub Babylon, I walked out of the hostel looking for lunch and bumped into the girls. They had just met this guy Tom and after lunch he took us to a local lake. It was stunning and we were the only westerners there. I have no idea how we could have been here for so long and nobody had mentioned it to us.



Anyway, we swam, chatted, listened to Tracy Chapman to try and work out if it starts...

"Ooh you've got a fast car"
"We've got a fast car"
"Baby got a fast car"

Inconclusive, but that song has become the tune of the trip and Annie even got the DJ to play it for us at Babylon as the last song the night before. I've seen and done a lot of stuff on this trip but that was one of my favourite moments so far.

OH! and that reminds me. While we were dancing (not to Chapman - Jessie J I think - I'm being very cultural over here) one of the little 10 year-old kids that sells flowers came up to me and started pointing at my crotch. Annie gasped. I tried to move him away. Then he made a rude sexual gesture. We were both shocked, didn't know what to do and just looked pretty blankly at each other.

If only Paul had been there, he would have spanked the little tyke.


After the lake we ended up at a random karaoke place on the outskirts of town - deserted and on top of a car park Tom seemed to know what he was doing and we placed our faith in him. It paid off, but it's always nice to get back to our friendly hostel owner Tim.



Spoke to my good friend Ruth Bath the other day - my first Skype chat since coming here and it's probably the first time I've missed home since I've been here. It was in a silent internet cafe so I felt a bit self conscious about being too loud, but it was just really nice to see a familiar face. It made me miss the summer: Isca, farms, pies, cider, pigs, mud, camping, teaching.

Annie and Lizi and some SERIOUS pashing going on in the background!

But here I have my good friends Lizi and Annie and they're top. We understand each other very well and I was very lucky to meet them that first night in Chiang Mai.

More adventures to come...

Homecoming

Turns out that Ruud and I had picked the weirdest hostel / hotel in the world to stay at. It was huge, all made of mahogany and teak, a beautiful view over the Mekong into Laos - like something from the empire. All for 2 quid a night (to be fair the sink in the bathroom just had a tube that dropped onto the floor which made washing tricky, but a nice place anyway.

There were hundreds of photos of the owner - a 60 year old Thai lady - plastered all over the wall. It turned out that she had grown up with the ex Prime Minister and can't have been short of cash as she was showing me all her pictures of her travels all over the world. Maybe the hotel was kind of a hobby for her. But we just had to wonder how she could keep it going with 4 other guests in high season. The other guests were a huge fat Dutch guy and his tiny Thai girlfriend. They sat and ate and conversation was very very limited.

Him: "You like the food?'
Her: "Hmmm." (The tone of this could have meant 'kind of', 'not really', 'i don't understand', 'how did i get myself into this situation?', anything really...)

Some friendly Thai people asked us to join them and gave us a super sweet mix of banana in hot milk. Delicious, but I think it might have given me diabetes. The owner assured us that the girls were all 'from nice families', not like the girls on the street. We smiled and nodded.

Ruud and I played a couple of games of chess (he won) and then we went out to see what the one street in Chiang Khong had to offer us. Turned out our hotel was in the busiest place (2 bars open) and one next door was having their opening night. We played cards for a long time, befriended a local fella named Udon who gave me a prawn drenched in chilli sauce. It was very spicy. I managed not to break too much of a sweat and he looked impressed.

We finished up and went back to the hotel with plans to move further up the coast the next day.

In the morning I went upstairs to ask the receptionist about buses up the coast. Turned out we had missed the only one that day and it looked like we might have to stay in Chiang Khong one more night. Not very appealing. While were planning our next move the receptionist came over to us.




Ruanthai the receptionist


Her: "You both very handsome"
Us: "Oh thanks."

Ego boost.

Her: "Where you from?"
Me: "I'm from England and he's from Holland"
Her: "Dutch people very tall"
Me: "Yeah they are"
Her: "But you...you more..."
Me: "Like a midget?"
Her: "Yeah kind of"

Ego back to normal.

Quick plans made and I was in a minivan with a guy called Bird and a very decent German couple who paid for me to get to Chaing Rai so that I could change to get the bus to Chiang Mai.

Bird was a tour guide from China and had visited Machester cos he was a Man U fan. His next trip in a few months is going to be to Birmingham. "Anywhere else?" I asked. "No, just Birmingham". I like Birmingham, but seems like quite a specific holiday destination from Thailand. Anyway, fair enough.

Lizi text on the way and said that her and Annie were heading back to Chiang Mai too as they'd had a pretty crappy time. We randomly ended up on the same bus on the way back. Stunning scenery on a very windy (like bendy, not that there was lots of wind) and hilly road.

As we were pulling into Chiang Mai Lizi text saying, "Hostel, shower, McDonald's, drunk. Fancy it?" I did. And that's what we did.
It's what we needed and later on after a few buckets of Mai Tai we ended up dancing to random d&b in a local bar. A quality night. Just found out that Paul our Canadian friend ended up getting mooned by one of the 10 year old kids that walks round selling flower garlands. So what did he he do? Spanked him and mooned him back. What a legend.

We've all got Changovers today (a lot of Chang was drunk last night) so just chilling out. Another day or so in Chiang Mai and then I'll move West.

Oh and I should explain why I've called this 'homecoming'. I'm not coming home...yet, but Chiang Mai seems like a temporary home at the moment. Good to be back.

Where are all the young people?!

I am sitting in an internet place in a tiny one-street town called Chiang Khong. Let me explain how I got here...
On the bus journey from Chiang Mai we met a Dutch guy called Ruud - the only other westerner on our bus. It turned out he had the same idea of going to a place Thaton and then getting a boat up to Chiang Mai. We were only supposed to be passing through Thaton but we soon realised that we'd missed the only boat that day and so Thaton would be our home for the night and Ruud my new roommate. Excellent luck as he's a dead nice guy and it meant halving a super cheap room so we only paid 2 quid each for the night in a little riverside guesthouse. The girls were nice enough to let us have the twin room while they shared the double.

Thaton was our oyster - a very small oyster - for the afternoon and we went for a walk up to the big white buddha that sits on the hill and overlooks the town.

This picture is not that buddha, but it is my favourite that we saw on the way and definitely the happiest that I've seen in Thailand.

The view from the buddha was stunning and we sat and enjoyed the scenery and the fact that we were the only people there. It felt a long long way from Bangkok.

We thought Chiang Mai was quiet cos eveything closed at 12. The hotel closed at 9 in Thaton and we found ourselves playing cards for a bit, going for a drink in a bar called Gerhard's (traditional Thai?) and having an early night.

The boat the next day was ace! A four hour trip skimming the river Kok (insert joke here) stopping off only at one place where a guy tried to get me to put a python round my neck and sell us some tat. I bought a coconut type mini milk. It was delicious! The motor drowned out any conversation so Lizi and I had a drawing competition (she won) and Annie got very into the final few chapters of The Beach.

The scenery was stunning. We got splashed a few times when we went over some mini rapids, but it was ace fun and we arrived safely in Chiang Rai and went hostel hunting.

Having found a place, me and Ruud went for a wander round and quickly realised that Chiang Rai didn't seem to be the 'mini Chiang Mai' that I'd heard about. We got a lot of hellos from girls outside massage places. In Chiang Mai this hadn't seemed seedy at all - in fact they normally didn't say anything - and it wasn't a seedy place.

Later on in the evening we realised that, judging from all the middle aged western men with Thai girls hanging round them, this was not the kind of place we wanted to stay. It was really disappointing, but I suppose not everywhere is going to be amazing. It's important to know what you're NOT missing as well.

Some quick escape route planning this morning and Ruud and I decided to head East to Chiang Khong. Annie and Lizi to Mae Sai up North. Not much to be said for here. It's got one road and is mainly used as a crossing into Laos. It is my first view of the Mekong though and Laos lies on the other side of the river, so a great place to see.

Where are all the young people though??!! It is apparently high season but the only people that seem to be around are middle aged and not the younger crowd I was expecting. Anyway, it has been brilliant fun so far and I'm sure I'll hit on some livelier places soon.

This has turned into a proper essay! If you're still reading, you're either my mum (hi mum!), a very good friend, or you've got too much time on your hands.

Bye Bye Chiang Mai

On Sunday I woke up to the sound of silence outside my room. This was something new for my as my hostel is on a crossroads and is normally pretty busy with people, tuk tuks and BANG lots of fireworks. One of these normally wakes me up.

I looked out of the window and the streets were deserted. I went for a walk around and it felt a bit like the beginning of 28 days later (apart from the fact that I did see some people and they weren't zombies). The festival had finished and people had all up and left. A welcome change from the last few days of constant BANG.

I had met a Canadian guy, Paul, the previous day at the light festival and had told me about Monk Chat. I had heard about this - you basically go to a temple and chat with a monk who wants to learn English. They tell you about Buddhism and what it's like to be a monk. You help them with their English.
I've taught lots of different students, but never a monk, so I was looking forward to going along. I also had lots of questions about Buddhism and monk life in general - do the bells in the temples get annoying? can you explain karma to me? I also thought we could swap tips on shaving heads.

So I jumped in a tuk tuk to Wat Suan Dok temple and followed the signs for monk chat. I was getting pretty excited as there didn't seem to be many people around and I thought I might have my pick of the monks.

After a few minutes I found the building with a big 'MONK CHAT' sign on it.

It was closed. I had got the wrong day. Div. Probably why there weren't so many people round.

The temple itself was open though so I had a good look around, and it was sunset which made it all the more beautiful.

I headed back into town and met Annie and Lizi for our last dinner in Chiang Mai. We found a Thai restaurant of questionable hygiene on the corner of my street. It had pretty much anything you could think of on the menu but we all had authentic Thai - although Annie was considering pie & mash at one point.

Full of rice, we headed to Goong's restaurant to say goodbye. She had just finished a cooking class with Paul and a Taiwanese girl called Joyce. Goong started laughing like a nutter and didn't stop for about 10 minutes. Then she told us about how she had nearly stabbed a guy with a pen at a club the night before.

We made our excuses and left.

A quiet drink at Fang's place up the road and earlyish to bed for our journey to Chaing Rai the next day...

Flight Of The Conchords

Temples and Conchords

Yesterday I went to Doi Suthep temple which is half way up a mountain outside of Chiang Mai centre. I thought I would be a bit templed out, but this one is like the daddy of all temples up here and it was really impressive.

The view over Chiang Mai was stunning and I had a nice walk around, looked at lots of buddhas, found an amazing old record player in a museum.


The best part was actually the taxi back. I had this really cool driver who was called Chai and was about 45ish from what I could work out. We spoke in very broken English with him testing me on my Thai 1-10 numbers and him saying AGAIN AGAIN whenever I got it wrong.

We got up to 30 and I was doing well, but Chai wanted a music break. His radio was broken so he got out his mobile and we shared some headphones whenever we were stopped at traffic lights (every 5 seconds). The first song he played me was just not what I was expecting - Flight of The Conchords! 

You like, you like?! You know song?!

I tried to say Yes! I love it! but I could only nod because I was laughing so much.  We had a little singalong. It was bizarre but great fun.

 

Too much BANG!

So it turns out that last night was the climax of the festival. It was a full moon, hundreds of lanterns in the sky again. They have to stop flights to Chiang Mai for 3 or 4 days cos the sky is just filled with lanterns. I popped to Goong's restaurant to say hi.

She was busy making floaty-lantern type things that you put candles in and float down the river.
-Take a slice of banana tree trunk.
-Fold banana leaves round it in pretty little patterns.
-Scatter flowers over the top until it looks lovely.
-Pop a couple of candles, sparklers and incense sticks in.
-You've got yourself a floaty-lantern type thing!

It turned out that she'd been making them most of the afternoon with a few people staying at the hostel attached to her restaurant. A canadian guy, a Swiss couple and a French guy. They were really nice and happy for me to join them. Goong's so lovely that she gave me a spare floaty-lantern  which had clearly taken ages to make and we all walked down to the river. First we had to clip our nails and cut a bit of our hair (I pulled a bit of stubble out) to show that we were getting rid of the dirty old us and ready to start a fresh new us apparently.

There's LOADS of French people here so we all spoke in French (me very brokenly) on the way. I knew that degree would come in handy.

When we got to the river it was crazy mental with thousands and thousands of people all watching a never ending parade of girls made up to within an inch of their lives, kids doing crazy flips while crashing cymbals together,  and fireworks going off every 5 seconds. We lit our floaty things, said a prayer and sent them off down the Ping river.

I'd love to say it was a spiritual experience and I felt renewed and relaxed, but it's difficult when you're thinking that any second a firework is going to take your face off and you never know when or where the next BANG is going to come from. I found it pretty stressful and after a bit of mystery street meat (tongue maybe? - even Goong wasn't sure) we all headed back to town and me Goong and Paul found a relaxed little bar to chill out in.

Annie and Lizi turned up with Annie's fully finished and beautiful tattoo. Nice end to the evening. 

Monks feeding bananas to elephants - and lots and lots of lanterns

Chiang Mai is buzzing today. It was the climax of the light festival and as soon as it got dark, the sky was filled with hundreds, maybe thousands of those big lantern things (the ones you see on the latest edition of the lonely planet Thailand guide - google it). It was an AMAZING sight. 

Earlier in the day, me Lizi and Annie went to Chiang Mai zoo. I was a bit concerned that it was going to be a bit dodgy and cruel but it turned out to be really good and the animals all seemed pretty happy. I got to feed bananas to elephants (this trip has been heavy on the elephants so far) and there were a few monks that gave us some extra bananas, which was pretty decent of them.

Oh! I fed a leopard a chunk of meat on a stick too! Thankfully it was behind some pretty sturdy caging. 

Saw loads of animals - as you do at a zoo i suppose - but the best bit was the animal show which was a half hour presentation with birds catching stuff, pigs running around and the most amazing thing I have seen in a while... They got this Macaw to add two numbers together (10 +5) and then pick out the numbers 1 and 5 to show the total. It wasn't just trained cos the numbers were shouted out by people in the audience. How the HELL does that happen? I didn't think birds were that clever. I'm still stunned..

Went to the aquarium too. We were umming and ahhing for a while in the doorway cos it was 450 baht, but then the fella came over and said he'd give us a 200baht discount, so we got in for about 4 quid - ace! We later found out that we shouldn't have had those tickets cos they were for Thai people only (seems a bit unfair) but anyway, we'd already been in by then. Ha!

Back into town and had my first Thai massage which was great. She properly dug into my neck, walked on me, generally beat me up. But it felt good. And she gave me a cup of tea afterwards (not a euphemism).

Met Annie and Lizzie and we went for burritos and margaritas. I should point out that I have honestly been eating lots of Thai food here, but it was a burritos kind of night.

Annie had decided to get a tattoo - this gorgeous, colourful Ganesh figure on her side. The tattooist Gang was a really cool guy and had created this amazing design from something Annie had given him. The tattooing started about 9pm. Annie chewing on straws, me and Lizzie coaching her through and giving her updates on how far through it was. I felt like a birthing partner.

To pass the time I gave me and Lizi tattoos as well. I don't think Lizi was very impressed with hers although I was quite proud of it. To be fair, it wasn't as good as Gang's design.

It was really interesting to see it being done but not nice to see Annie in such pain for hours though. She did amazingly well and is having it finished off now. Gang showed us this vicious looking thing - a piece of bamboo with 15 tiny needles taped to the end. They dip it in ink and just jab it into you instead of using a normal gun. Apparently it hurts like a proper bastard. 

more to come...

Chiang Mai

BANG! Chiang Mai is ace! There is a light and fireworks festival going on at the moment so when you're least expecting it BANG something will explode BANG and make you jump.

Chiang Mai is much more chilled out than Bangkok (not difficult) and a really nice little maze of streets filled with a mix of traditional style cafes and more western style places.

I got myself settled and went out for some food - red curry green beans. Lush. Met two girls from Reading - Lizi and Annie - and we ended up going out for the evening. I tried to look like I knew what I was doing as I'd read that if you want to call a waitress over, you sort of gesture as if you want them to go away. I clearly got it wrong cos the waitress just looked at me as though I was mental.

Plenty of drinking and chatting later we ended up Spice Disco. Good times until suddenly a bunch of police turned up in full combat gear. The music stopped, everyone looked at each other shiftily and there was a definite tension in the air. Suddenly remembered that I had clonazepam in my bag and had visions of a full cavity search and a call to the embassy. We finished our drinks and left without any hassle. It just seems that they like to close places at 1am at the latest here.

Hostel hunting the next day and got myself a pretty nice room with a balcony, fan and double bed (although pretty solid) for about 4 quid. Not bad!

The day after was packed full of stuff. Up early and picked up in a van for an hour's drive to see a hill tribe. We were only there for about 5 minutes and they just tried to sell us some tat. Bit of a pointless stop and thought we were going to be ripped off all day. But then things picked up when we went elephant riding. I shared an elephant with a Malaysian guy called Devlan who had ridden an elephant before, so I felt I was in good hands. Felt a bit bad cos the elephants didn't seem very happy.

Off the elephants and up the road for an hour's trek along a river to a waterfall which we got to swim in. The walk was a bit like the crystal maze (Aztec zone), having to walk over thin wooden bridges while trying not to fall in and look like a div...or get locked in.

White water rafting after that with what seemed like a grumpy guide, but he and his mate turned out to be a right pair of jokers who made it so much fun and had a great time trying to scare the shit out of us by telling us that they couldn't swim and that they'd never rafted before. Onto some bamboo rafts after this for a very shaky and half submerged float along the river. Brilliant fun and we were lucky enough to have a great group of people too.

Later on that night we ended up meeting a group who we had passed on the trek and found ourselves out in the suburbs at a karaoke place. Unfortunately they didn't have anything in English and a couple of the lads we were with were a bit too much like Stiffler to make it enjoyable. Overall though a great day.

The next day I managed to spend a couple of hours at the local orphanage as I had heard that people can go along and help out with the kids at playtime. It was great fun, the kids were about 2-3 so pretty intense and tiring, but thankfully didn't have to change any nappies. A monk turned up and started doing magic for the kids. Bit strange, but just go with the flow seems to be the idea in Chiang Mai.

I'm about to pop as me and Lizi did a Thai cookery day today with a lady who owns a local restaurant. Her name is Goong and she is a mental case, but a very happy and friendly one. We went to the market - amazing sights, smells and bags upon bags of chillies, limes, meat, fruit, pastes, spices and pigs' heads.

Then we got back and started cooking. We made Tom Yum Goong, Green curry and Chicken with cashew nuts (Tim Paluch I will cook this for you now that I am a master), all served with a mound of rice.

The best part was when the sky clouded over with thick, dark clouds and it rained. It has been so hot and humid the last few days and when it started raining it came down really loud on the tin roof as we were frying up wok after wok of deliciousness.

Fuck Tong (pumpkin to you and me) for pudding. Although it also means butternut squash AND trombone. Confusing.

We tried to eat it all - we failed.

BANG! Going to sleep it off.

The first few days - Bangkok

I was pretty sure that I would be spending the first few hours at Bangkok airport being grilled, probed and possbly arrested by customs. I only found out after I had booked my flight that they're not too keen on any drugs ending in '-pam'. As it turns out it was one of the smoothest and easiest airports to get into, through quickly and I even had a little joke with the customs men who were very friendly chaps. I was thinking of going in for a high five, but thought better of it.

The airport was very clean and modern which is not what I was expecting, and this continued into the centre of Bangkok on the skytrain. The buildings in the centre were shiny and new, as was my hostel, and the city was not at all what I was expecting - something a bit more rundown and ramshackle I suppose.

Thankfully there was very little evidence of flooding. Lots of sanbags and makeshift concrete walls outside the shops and houses showed that there was uncertainty about what was going to happen and all the locals I talked to assured me that ''the floods are coming''. I booked a flight up north.

My first night I went for a walk as I had managed to book a hostel well away from any other backpackers, so I went to tryand find some life. First tuk tuk ride through crazy traffic took me to Patpong which turned out to be sex tourist central. I felt really disppointed cos it was the stereotypical idea of Bangkok that you hope isn't true, but the streets were just lined with young prostitutes and guys trying to either sell you one of these prostitutes or a suit.

I wanted neither, so found myself the only bar that was not a brothel, had a beer and watched the Thai version of Strictly Come Dancing with the 70 year old woman who owned the place. She assured me that she used to be the Thai ballroom dancing champion. I hope it was the truth but I think she was telling porkies.

Met some ocals outside my hostel on the way back. They were really friendly, sorted me out with a free sim card and fed me beer and something crispy, not sure what it was.

The next day I slept off the jetlag and went to get some cheap mystery meat from a street stall. Took some immodium with me just in case it was needed after, but thankfully not. Strong stomach.

Went to the Khao San Rd to see what all the fuss was about. It's crap. McDonalds, KFC, Burger King etc... It was just miscellaneous Britsabroad hotspot.

But anyway, I thought I'd try my best to blend in so went to a bar and got out my Lonely Planet. Ended up chatting to a Turkish girl called Gigdem and we arranged to go to a market the next day - Pratoonam. Little did I know it would be the BIGGEST market in the world. Think of the biggest clothes market you can, double it, add a million people. It's way bigger than that. Way, way bigger.

We emerged after about 3 hours, had some mystery meat and then got a tuk tuk to the Golden Mount which is a monk hangout surrounded by a funfair. An odd mix. I was expecting the temple to be a quiet retreat, but it turns out that temples here have loads of big bells that everybody rings as they walk around, so it's actually pretty noisy and not very relaxing. I don't know what the significance of the bells is, but I'll find out.  I'll ask a monk - they seem pretty friendly.

Back to the hostel to pack my bags ready for a flight to Chiang Mai the next day...